Get angry with God!

You know how God has a way of revealing Himself to you through strange things? Well, that happened to me today. Last night, I got angry at God. I cried, I yelled, I pleaded. All to no avail. I guess I thought God would give me some response, but I got nothing. I ended up falling asleep with a pounding headache. That was it. It wasn't until today that last night made sense. I am reading an excellent book called 'The Sacred Diaries of Adrian, Andromeda and Leonard' by Adrian Plass. This is the first book I have ever read to make me actually laugh out loud several times! Anyway, as I was reading tonight, a passage really spoke to me. So much that I felt the need to blog about it right away. Here it is...

(To catch you up, Adrian is a Christian author and speaker. The book is written as his diary. He is in the middle of speaking at an outreach dinner.) "I said, 'Look, I could be wrong, but I think God is saying to me that there are some people here tonight who need to forgive God.' Panicked suddenly at what I could hear coming out of my own mouth. 'Of course,' I went on hastily, 'he can't actually do anything wrong to be forgiven for, but that's what's so difficult sometimes, isn't it? I mean - well, it's not very easy to have a real row with someone who never ever gets anything wrong, is it?' Suddenly seemed to know exactly what to say. 'I mean, there must be some of us who want to climb up onto God's lap like small children and bash at his chest with our little fists, and say, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I asked you to help me and you didn't help me. You knew what I was feeling - you knew what needed to happen and you didn't do it. You say you love me, but you don't! If you did, you would have done something, but you didn't! I hate you!"'
Suddenly spotted Gerald's face, his eyes wide with surprise at what I was saying. Remembered when he was just a little boy.
'When my son was very small,' I said, hoping Gerald wouldn't mind, 'he did exactly that once or twice. First, he'd be really angry, and then when he'd worn himself out with crossness, he'd cry, all curled up on my lap. Then, when he'd cried the last drop of energy away, he'd just fall asleep and I'd hold him for ages. And the important thing is - I think the important thing is that he had to go through all that fighting and fretting to get the nasty spiky feelings out of himself, and he did it in the safest place he knew, which was in my arms.'
Gerald's not the sort of chap whose eyes mist over much, but when I glanced at him I'm pretty sure that's what they were doing.
I looked around at the other faces in the room. 'God doesn't mind you being angry with him,' I said.
What was I saying?
'He's used to taking the blame. In fact he'd rather you took it out on him than someone else.'"

During DTS, a speaker(Troy, I think) told us how he would yell at God. The idea seemed completely foreign to me then, but now it doesn't seem so strange. God actually likes us to yell at him. At least we are actually talking then.

I feel so alone here! I have friends that I do things with and I love my 'job', but I miss my family and friends back home. Maybe it's because Christmas and my birthday are coming up. I don't know. But I wish I knew why I was here. What is God's plan for this? I am doing stuff here that I could do at home. Yeah, it's a new cultural experience, but why? Am I 'called' to Germany? I don't think so. At least God hasn't told me.

I kind of like writing on here. It helps get all of my crazy jumbled thoughts into one place. Hmm. Interesting.

The wait is over!

So, I have finally been able to get my pictures off my camera and onto my computer! Hooray! It has been a long time coming, that's for sure. So, enjoy these pictures and I will write more later.

Middy and Tony's Big Adventure

(I am Middy; Courtney is Tony. That's what our 'children' call us anyway!)
My wonderful, beautiful friend Courtney came to see me this past weekend! I was so blessed to have her come here and hang out with me for a while! It was definitely an adventurous weekend though. It started, for me, with a train ride to Frankfurt Airport. I left Wehrheim at 10pm and I arrived in Frankfurt at 11:30pm. (I actually switched trains and everything! All by myself!) Once at the airport, I searched out Starbucks. Ah! Nothing like real American coffee! I waited for Courtney, who was traveling by bus, plane, and bus again, until 2am. When we finally saw each other, it was heaven! A familiar face after 1 month of not knowing anyone is a beautiful thing! We sat and chatted for a few hours, got on the first train to the center of Frankfurt, and then proceeded to walk around the streets at 6am in the rain! We were the only ones out at that time, it was so peaceful! When we finally couldn't feel our extremities any longer, we found a train station and hopped on a train. I'm not really sure where we went or how long we were on the train, as we fell asleep as soon as we sat down, but it was warm and dry and free! We woke up and decided it was time for breakfast, so we asked a girl where we could go. Of course, she told us where McDonalds was. So, we got off the train at the right stop and ate at a quaint cafè across the street. We walked around that part of town for a while, did a little shopping, Court tried on wedding dresses, I cried, went to a Catholic Church, ate brotwurst, and froze some more. Around 1pm we had seen enough and we were ready to go home. So we travelled more by train and bus and finally arrived home at 4pm. We made a quick dinner, drank some Bailey's and hot chocolate, ate a delicious cake from my gay neighbor, and fell asleep. We slept for... 17 hours! It was amazing! We both needed it. On Sunday, we lounged around and took long, hot showers. Then Martin picked us up for bible study, German style. It was ok, I didn't understand anything and I don't think Courtney did either. After bible study, we went to dinner in Friedburg with some friends at a pub where Elvis Presley used to go when he was stationed in Germany! We had beer from a stein there! Our first experience with real German beer! We also had 'Mexican' nachos and we played the German version of Scum! Then, a friend took us to the train station to get back to the airport. Court's bus left at 3am, so we had to wait some more at Starbucks. (I was really sad to see her go, but I am going to Barcelona for Christmas and New Year's, hopefully. I think it will work out for me to get a week off and I can spend more time with Court in her country!) Then, I took the 5am train back to Wehrheim, took another bus to Obernhain and walked the rest of the way home. I was able to see the sun rise! It was amazing! Even though it was cloudy, the colors were still there! Alright, I am going to go get some much needed sleep!

Wine, Uno, and Strategy.

So, I sit here at 11:00pm on a Friday night. What did I do my first Friday night in Europe while actually awake? I drank wine, played uno, and taught Dirk and Aneta what 'strategy' meant. All in all, it was a great night! I had the chance to go to Frankfurt with a couple other au pairs, but the idea of staying up all night in disco's really didn't appeal to me all that much. Hmm. I must be growing up. So, instead, I stayed home and played a hilarious round of uno with two crazy-in-love/drunk Germans. I love it! They are so real and romantic with each other. They are constantly badgering one another, trying everything in their power to make the other lose, yet they give shy smiles and winks across the table! Well, tomorrow is approaching fast, and I am exhausted! We are going to a town 90 kilometers away to participate in a festival celebrating the Brothers Grimm! How fun! I will have pictures as soon as I can!

Sorry...

Well, this is a long time coming! I have been in Germany now for a week! It is really beautiful here. I love the family I am with, Dirk and Aneta and Aaron. They have really made me feel welcome in there home. I really wanted to get some pictures on here, but I still need to figure out how to download my pictures on the computer. Oh well. So, I started my job as an au pair on Monday. Things are going reasonably well. Aaron is very sweet and he laughs just like the younger brother on A Christmas Story. I love it! He loves to ride his bike, play soccer, hammer, and read. He is extremely easy to care for. He likes to do everything himself, which means I only have to make sure he doesn't kill himself. So far, I have been to a Roman castle, Saalburg, and Hessenpark, which is a town set up as it was in the 1500s. We are going to Poland one of these weekends to see Aneta's family, so more traveling for me! Yes! Aneta is a great cook and she wants to help me improve on my lack of cooking. So, soon I will know how to make some German and Polish dishes. I have my own floor, complete with my own bathroom and access to the internet. I hopefully will be starting German lessons next week, but we'll see. I've met two other au pairs so far and they seem very nice. I can't wait to get to know them more. Ok. Hopefully I will get some pics on here soon! There will be more to come for sure!

8 days and counting... So I have embarked on the nearly impossible task of packing. Is it just me or does packing suck? A lot. I am trying to downsize my already overflowing suitcases, but I just can't seem to get it all in. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I will need everything I own? I need to just take the basics and not worry about the rest. Oh! And I can't seem to find my passport! Another thing to add to my to-do list. So please pray for me! I really need it right now. I feel like there is a tremendous amount of pressure on me right now and I don't really know why. I do know that I am very, very excited for this weekend to come!! Only 3 more days and life will be a brighter place... Ok. Enough procrastination! I need to get back to packing.

Well, I am officially moving to Germany. I bought my plane ticket today, so it's now a go. Weird.
My best friend, Ashley, and I were drinking chai last night and talking. She used a word to describe her feelings about me leaving, and I have decided to adopt that word for this season in my life. What's the word, you may ask? Bittersweet. Bittersweet is so perfect for me right now. I am sad that I am leaving all I know and love, but I am excited about what lies ahead. I know I will look back on this short time of transition between Salem and Germany with fond memories, but really I can't wait to leave the country. At the same time, I feel guilty for wanting to leave so bad. I love my family, but I am ready to move on with my life. Also, it seems to describe all the thoughts and feelings swimming around inside my head. Why do I let things bother me so much? Why do I care whether or not someone likes me? I know I shouldn't let people decide how I am feeling, but I do. I am human, I make mistakes. I am sorry that I am not perfect, just please don't expect me to be. So, bittersweet. That's my word.
(If someone can tell me how to have titles, that would be great! I can't seem to figure it out...)

So, this is my blog. I have never had a blog before, so hopefully I will keep up with it. My bestest friend Candyce made me do this. So here goes...