Passions and Purpose

I feel like I am walking in the desert. I don't know how or why I got to this point; it's like I woke up one morning and God was gone. I know that it is my fault. I haven't been reading my bible or talking to God as much. At all, really. Sure, I will open it and skim through it, but that is not what I want. I want to immerse myself in it. But I seem to find other things to occupy my time. Last week, I was on a YWAM base here in Germany. It made me remember Salem and all the good times there. I want that. I want to live with people that are passionate about Jesus. I miss it. At the same time, being around all those wonderful people with dreams and passions, made me realize I have no true dream or passion. I say I want to help kids, but I have no idea in which way. Do I want to teach them or make them healthy? Or maybe help train young adults to pursue their passions. I know I wouldn't be happy living in the suburbs with 2.5 kids and a dog my whole life. I want more. But I don't know what. I thought doing a DTS would help make me realize my passions, but it seemed to make them even less defined. I know God has a plan A for my life, but I want to know what that plan is. Or at least a direction to go in. When I go back to Grants Pass, I don't want to feel like I am taking a step backward. I want to keep moving forward. On to my destiny. This is a jumble of thoughts. I hope it somehow makes sense. Anyway, here is a quote I have been repeating over and over to myself- 'If God can make a shepard a king, turn fishermen into world changers, and a group of slaves into a nation, what more can He do with you?' I know there is a plan and a purpose for me, I just need to not rest until I find it.

What the world needs now...

I was listening to the radio the other day, and a commercial came on that really got me. Weird, I know, but keep reading. Now I am your typical English-speaking type and I don't understand German radio. So my only option is the Armed Forces Network. Needless to say, a commercial for Army Chaplains comes on. The story goes along these lines... Two Protestant Ministers, a Catholic Priest, and a Jewish Rabbi were on a boat. (Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but bear with me.) The boat collided with a reef and began sinking fast. The Chaplains took charge and helped get all passengers aboard into life-jackets and lifeboats. When the life-jackets ran out, they selflessly gave up their own. When the lifeboats were filled, the men stayed behind so others could be saved. As the ship went down, they were seen holding hands and singing hymns. Wow. That is pretty heavy stuff. There was no arguing over who had the correct theology, who was getting to Heaven the fastest, who God listened to more... Nothing. They just came together and did what needed to be done. I think this is an example of how we all should be living.
I stumbled upon this blog the other day, and I was blown away. How on earth can we proclaim Gods' love for all when we can't even love or respect others who may have different views??? I am not saying that we should just agree with everyone and never speak up, but I am saying that we should stop and listen to what other people have to say. I am tired of hearing us put down others 'in the name of the Lord'. Where did we get that authority? I know we are human. I know we make mistakes and we screw things up, but maybe it isn't as complicated as we make it out to be. Love God and love people. Hmm. Sounds pretty simple. So when that one person who you find really annoying and you would rather punch in the face than help them without expecting anything in return, try it. It just might make their day better, and *gasp* help you to start living out what you hear on Sunday mornings. This is totally a lesson I need to learn. A lot of the time I just complain about things that seem like a huge deal, but in reality they are not. I need to stop complaining and start serving. I'll let you know how it is going...

Get angry with God!

You know how God has a way of revealing Himself to you through strange things? Well, that happened to me today. Last night, I got angry at God. I cried, I yelled, I pleaded. All to no avail. I guess I thought God would give me some response, but I got nothing. I ended up falling asleep with a pounding headache. That was it. It wasn't until today that last night made sense. I am reading an excellent book called 'The Sacred Diaries of Adrian, Andromeda and Leonard' by Adrian Plass. This is the first book I have ever read to make me actually laugh out loud several times! Anyway, as I was reading tonight, a passage really spoke to me. So much that I felt the need to blog about it right away. Here it is...

(To catch you up, Adrian is a Christian author and speaker. The book is written as his diary. He is in the middle of speaking at an outreach dinner.) "I said, 'Look, I could be wrong, but I think God is saying to me that there are some people here tonight who need to forgive God.' Panicked suddenly at what I could hear coming out of my own mouth. 'Of course,' I went on hastily, 'he can't actually do anything wrong to be forgiven for, but that's what's so difficult sometimes, isn't it? I mean - well, it's not very easy to have a real row with someone who never ever gets anything wrong, is it?' Suddenly seemed to know exactly what to say. 'I mean, there must be some of us who want to climb up onto God's lap like small children and bash at his chest with our little fists, and say, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I asked you to help me and you didn't help me. You knew what I was feeling - you knew what needed to happen and you didn't do it. You say you love me, but you don't! If you did, you would have done something, but you didn't! I hate you!"'
Suddenly spotted Gerald's face, his eyes wide with surprise at what I was saying. Remembered when he was just a little boy.
'When my son was very small,' I said, hoping Gerald wouldn't mind, 'he did exactly that once or twice. First, he'd be really angry, and then when he'd worn himself out with crossness, he'd cry, all curled up on my lap. Then, when he'd cried the last drop of energy away, he'd just fall asleep and I'd hold him for ages. And the important thing is - I think the important thing is that he had to go through all that fighting and fretting to get the nasty spiky feelings out of himself, and he did it in the safest place he knew, which was in my arms.'
Gerald's not the sort of chap whose eyes mist over much, but when I glanced at him I'm pretty sure that's what they were doing.
I looked around at the other faces in the room. 'God doesn't mind you being angry with him,' I said.
What was I saying?
'He's used to taking the blame. In fact he'd rather you took it out on him than someone else.'"

During DTS, a speaker(Troy, I think) told us how he would yell at God. The idea seemed completely foreign to me then, but now it doesn't seem so strange. God actually likes us to yell at him. At least we are actually talking then.

I feel so alone here! I have friends that I do things with and I love my 'job', but I miss my family and friends back home. Maybe it's because Christmas and my birthday are coming up. I don't know. But I wish I knew why I was here. What is God's plan for this? I am doing stuff here that I could do at home. Yeah, it's a new cultural experience, but why? Am I 'called' to Germany? I don't think so. At least God hasn't told me.

I kind of like writing on here. It helps get all of my crazy jumbled thoughts into one place. Hmm. Interesting.